Val’s Cringiest Internet Dating Story
Dating is the worst.
If you're single, the days leading up to Valentine's Day are fairly constant reminders of your status. And if you've been coupled up for a while, you might have forgotten how bad it can be out there.
Blessedly, it's been a few years since I've dealt with internet dating.
Luckily, I saved my cringiest message for future amusement, and future reference -- should I ever forget how much it can suck to be single and dating.
The "Hot, Spoiled (and Completely Douchey)" Would-Be Suitor
**Note: You may need a shower after reading this one. It's bad. Names have have been removed, spelling mistakes have been left in.**
"I liked your smile in your profile I thought I would send you a quick message. My name is (name deleted) I am an attorney here in buffalo. I mostly represent hotels and restaurants all over the state.
I love going out to eat and currently on a 6 week tour of different cities checking out their 1 restaurant. I have had some great food. I like buffalo but it is really hard to meet cool people that are brave enough to venture out of their group of friends and hang out with new people.
I know that Im just what you need. Hot, spoiled, and studied at schools all over the world. I know 4 martial arts and 5 massage techniques and bring the heat when I need to.
I run my own business and travel when I feel like it. I am young enough to stay up all night, and will relax with a glass of wine if that is your desire. You have a unique charm in these pics, entice me more... drop me an email maybe we can get to know each other better."
Ummmmmmmm. It's been years and I'm still not sure how to respond.
So if you have a partner, go to them now. Look deep into their eyes and say, "I know 4 martial arts and 5 massage techniques and bring the heat when I need to."
If they haven't run out of the room, they're probably a keeper.